Trees on the Beach, a Blog

So if anyone is actually reading this blog, you may wonder where I disappear to for months at a time. Sometimes, I just get lazy and don't post. I am not online as much as I used to be, but I still try to be online regularly, If not frequently. All my plans have been set aside for now. I rented a house to some people in Myrtle Beach, but evicted them for damages at the end of 2021. It took until July to get the house into shape, and that consumed all my time until July. At which point, I put the house up for sale and it was sold on October 1. What a relief that was! I noticed in June that I was tired a lot when working on it. Even driving down over the next couple of months wore me out, when before I would drive the 10 hours and start working immediately. So I knew something had changed. To make a long story short, after many doctors visits, I was diagnosed with cancer in December 2022. I am undergoing chemotherapy and radiation treatments now. Only three weeks in, and it is misera...

 So I've now had both my COVID vaccination shots (Moderna).  That was a few weeks ago.  I am soooo tired of the job.  How do people work into their 70s and 80s?  I cannot imagine.  I am just 51 and feel completely burnt out.  I calculated my pension, and I could leave at the end of May and take a $200/month penalty.  Or I could wait until the end of July, and take a $100/month penalty.  It is starting to feel real, but the weird thing is the closer it gets, the farther away it feels.  Even the end of May feels like quite a ways off, and the end of July an eternity.  Full retirement with no penalty is a number of months after that, even.  I know sitting at this desk wears on a person, both physically and mentally.  I am lucky enough to be working from home, and that helps a bit.  I make sure to always say "I am lucky" when I talk about working from home, because I don't want myself to ever forget that I really am lucky...

I had an itinerary set for my Ecuador trip that starts out flying into Guayaquil, driving to Posojra, then up the coast possibly as far an Tonsupa.  However, I have fallen in love from afar with Santa Marianita.  It's only about 15-20 minutes outside of Manta, which is a fairly major city of 250,000 people, and provides all the luxuries you would expect from a similarly sized American city.  You can even eat American fast food chains like KFC or Papa John's, if you're so inclined.  (I'm not.  I've had enough of that drek.) Many years ago, I saw a picture of a dirt road, still unpaved, going down to the beach in Ecuador.  I found it exciting and beautiful, but did not know where it actually was in Ecuador.  I could imagine myself driving that road in my Jeep.  I saved that picture, but can't seem to locate it now.  Looking at a YouTube video the other day, I realized the video is of the same road I was fixated on so many years ago!  ...

So President Trump has attacked the press, adopted conspiracy theories, attacked our government as having secretive cabals, nurtured and given comfort to groups like QAnon and The Proud Boys, called politicians like Biden "communist" and "socialist." He's said his own knowledge is superior to the knowledge of scientists, people who are experts in their fields. He's thundered away on Twitter and Facebook with his thoughts, which tend to be highly unprofessional, until those companies finally decided to label his posts "misleading" and inaccurate in various ways. And then he threatens to use the power of the government against them. Now that he's facing defeat, he won't commit to a peaceful transition of power, which is a cornerstone of our society. He has weakened our people's faith in basic institutions, like the press and our free elections. Anti-intellectualism, attacks against the free press, a division of the people against each...

Roughly 1 year, 1 month left. It's November 1, still very early in the morning.  Roughly five full months since my last post, and a lot has changed.  I transferred from my shitty old organization.  The new place is decent.  Low requirements, low reward.  But low reward is the standard for Kentucky state government, so this is actually a step up.  COVID means I'm still working from home.  That's something I never thought I'd see, even though I work in IT.  Something like this had to force Kentucky to allow IT employees to work from home.  Funny.  No idea when or if we're ever going back in the office.  At one time I thought we'd probably be back by now.  Now I'm thinking we won't be back this year, and maybe not next year.  I may be working from home when I retire around December 1, 2021. I've been making plans.  My passport is being renewed now.  I'm headed to Ecuador, probably in January, as an exploratory trip....

So it's now early June.  I have roughly 16 (maybe 17) months left working for Kentucky.  So you say, "Mystery person, is that all you think about?"  Why, yes, yes it is.  Mostly anyway.  I have went through my bills and income repeatedly.  I should be able to live on my retirement pension.  It won't be a grand retirement, with me jetsetting around the world or buying new cars (well, ever), but it'll pay the bills. My morale is as low as it can humanly go, I think, without contemplating suicide.  I have no desire for that.  I just want to be... "free."  Free to spend my day how I want, free to sleep late, free from people who are arrogant and stupid.  Arrogance I can handle.  Stupid, too.  It's when they're both that I have trouble. I actually love what I do (programming).  If I had a job I really enjoyed, and paid well, I could probably work many more years.  But I'd have to not deal with arrogant stupidheads,...

No, I don't have it, thankfully.  I am also lucky enough to be working from home.  Roughly one year and 8 months until I can leave the state, but who's counting.  Me.  That's who.  But working from home is making it more bearable.  Although I have found that I work tremendously harder when working from home, as there are very few distractions at home.  No doubt my shitty agency will pull me right back in as soon as they possibly can, as they're already monitoring us like crazy... Skype, working via VPN-only, e-mail must be sent in the morning ("morning check-in"), all e-mails, phone calls, and online meetings must be logged, and then a daily status report must be sent at the end of the day that includes all your accomplishments for that day.  It's annoying that they feel we must be monitored so heavily, but that's nothing compared to the fact that we were told we would be disciplined if we left the state!  Weird, eh?  I always thought my...

So I am eligible for retirement retirement in about two weeks.  Full retirement in 1 year, 8 months, assuming I grow my sick time balance a little.  But it's doubtful I could actually retire, as Kentucky state retirement is not that great.  Generally, it's not enough to live on.  And certainly not enough to travel or vacation on. On top of that, I find myself very unhappy at work, and just a little less unhappy at home.  What do you do to be happy?  If you are happy, you don't know the trick.  If you aren't, you don't know the trick.  It's going to be different for everyone.  So I guess I am just lost.

Man, I am so tired.  I am tired of my job.  Tired of my life.  Tired of my way of life.  But I don't know anything else.  My bone spurs hurt.  (Yes, mine are actually real.)  My bad knees hurt.  This is what you get at 50, folks.  At least some of us get it.  So how do you make your life better?  I was always about action.  Take action.  That's how you fix anything, right?  But I don't know what action to take.  And I am so tired. I did discover new music today.  I was just talking about "thoughts and prayers" online, and lo and behind, I ran across a song by  Drive By Truckers .

A lot has changed since my last blog post.  I bought a house at the beach (a US beach, unfortunately).  I stepped down from a management role and back into programming.  I got full custody of my daughter, which is definitely better for both her and myself.  Not sure what else.  Probably more, but those are the highlights.  I guess if it were a woman's hair, it will be blonde instead of brown.  Those are pretty significant highlights.   I'm still on edge about my job.  I feel like I am in hostile territory.  Anyone who has taken a job they regretted and don't know their peers all that well probably understands what I mean.  But that's okay.  I have a significant career milestone coming up on April 1, and an even more significant one next year.  Next year, I should be eligible for retirement about October or November, depending on the amount of sick time I have banked.  So... and this feels weird to say, but my c...

Well, I had a thought today.  It had entered my mind that I might be depressed.  I'm not depressed.  To quote a character Christian Slater played in a movie, "Feeling fucked up in a fucked up situation is not fucked up." My wife and I haven't had sex in something like 7 years.  She doesn't like sex anymore, she said.  She spends too much money.  I can't save the money I need to achieve my goals.  My job is punishing.  My wife works all the time, and we spend most of our free time together, but now that her schedule doesn't allow it, I'm lost.  I have no close friends to hang out with in my free time.  All my friends have left my life, one way or another.  I am alone now.  I'm more or less okay with that, but friends would probably help. But I am focused now.  I am in the process of spending $25k to buy the 5th year towards my pension.  Five years is all you can buy, and I've already bought four.  That leaves ...

So I was bitching about CPMS reports for months.  Only a few blog posts, but yeah... in real life, I thought about it a lot.  So that director was fired about a month ago.  I knew it was coming.  He had no technical skills, no real IT experience, and only about 3.5 years in government service.  The guy was incredibly underqualified.  But that's what happens when you have "friends" who appoint you.  Easy come, easy go, I guess.  The rest of us grind away at the job for minimal pay our entire career, just hoping the pension will be there, and enough to survive on.  The appointees come and go, like a case of herpes. I can't wait to get out, but I had an old babysitter die of a heart problem, and it has changed my perspective a little.  She had sent me a friend request on Facebook, but I hadn't accepted because it felt like my "old life" that I left when I was so much younger.  So I sat on the request for a very, very long time... may...

On the short side, I now have 2 years and 10 months of service left in my current job.  On the long side, I'm looking at 4 years.  It feels good to be getting "close", if you can call that close.  I have started investing in the stock market, upped my 457 (like a 401k) to about $1000/month, which is maybe more than I can afford.  I am not really prepared for "retirement", so after my state service I'll need to work a couple of years somewhere else and store away all the cash.  I don't know if it's a "plan", but it's what I've got.  The monthly income shouldn't be a problem... it's the pot of cash I need to purchase a beach home that is the problem.

Does life get any better?  I'm sitting here listening to '80s music and getting depressed.  Life used to be good.

So I have about 3 years until I leave this job, and I know I'll have to work 2-3 more years beyond that in order to "create" the nest egg that is necessary in order to buy my dream home.  You see, I work in IT, and while that normally pays a lot of money in the private sector, I work for state government.  There's no money in IT working for Kentucky (maybe another subject for a different blog post), but there is a small pension that guarantees I won't starve to death.  Also, I "bought" 4 years and intend to buy another one.  With a 401(k), that phrase probably makes no sense, but with a pension, the goal is simply to complete your years of service.  For my state, it is 27 years of service.  Once you get your years in, you get a yearly paycheck for life.  It is not very big, but it is guaranteed whether you live to 60 or 110.  So you can buy up to five years.  The cost varies, but for a comparatively reasonably paid IT guy, that cost will be s...

So I am watching some TV trash that I enjoy, Van Helsing .  The season 3, episode 5, where some of the survivors make it to the "Denver Safezone", and Vanessa, her sister and the marine are out... I dunno, doing something or another, fighting some vampires.  There's a melodramatic moment between V and her sister, and a thought hit me that has been going through my mind quite a bit recently:  I am numb.  I am completely numb to all the drama and melodrama, and not just on TV, but in real life as well.  I really don't feel like arguing with anyone, nor even getting up on weekends and doing anything.  Am I depressed?  Am I psychotic?  Something else?  What's the deal?  It's like my zest for life has just disappeared.  I hope someone out there reading this is a shrink.  Feel free to jot me an e-mail and tell me what I've got. On the flip side, I was propositioned by a prostitute on Friday.  In my youth, I would have said, "n...

So I've moved on after 13 years.  I'm still in the same, very large, organization, but I manage IT again.  This time it's a little scary, as the stuff I now manage is very sensitive and politically-charged, and I've got the disadvantage of not knowing the place and people I now manage.  But it was a necessary move.  I was sitting in a cube with no assignment and no respect for my management.  My ex-peers are still in that situation and they are miserable.  We still communicate. This is the problem with state government.  Appointees come in like super-heroes, but they don't know anything.  They sort-of manage for 4 years, then they're all terminated, replaced by new appointees that the new governor appointed, and they don't usually know anything, either.  Meanwhile, the people who hold the place together are forgotten and dismissed, and talked about by the governor in the press as if they are burdens on the state.  You get shit on by po...

So I start a new job on Monday.  I could have been at Pensacola Beach with an old friend, but instead I am here at home in a filthy house wasting my days and nights playing World of Warcraft and sleeping.  When I told the wife I was thinking about going, she just said, "If that's what you want to do with your life" because the old friend of mine was someone I casually dated years ago. Maybe that IS what I want to do with my life?  Sitting here by myself surfing the web at 4:37 AM certainly isn't.

So tomorrow I put in my two-week notice for my current agency.  I work next week, which will be short due to the Labor Day holiday, and then the week after that I take my vacation. After 13 years, I will be leaving my current job.  I worked myself up into a management position and did a good job, I think.  I saved the agency money several times, implemented a couple of money-saving programs that are still used today.  I completed my master's degree at this institution.  Got a promotion here.  Introduced modern smartphones into the environment and did away with the old Blackberry devices.  I managed a massive upgrade of server technology, .NET Framework technology, and SQL Server.  I made a lot of friends and then saw some of them terminated, many moved on, and some are still stuck in what has become a terrible place to work.   I work in government.  An election, especially a party change, means everything changes for you on the ...

I can't believe it. There are an unscheduled CPMS meeting to cover material that I already know. I intended to skip it. That one was canceled, and replaced with this meeting. No calendar invite.  No preparation. No real purpose, actually. We are a disaster! Thanks, Ramsey and Yeast. Nice fucking job putting us in this situation.