Trees on the Beach, a Blog

Roughly 1 year, 1 month left. It's November 1, still very early in the morning.  Roughly five full months since my last post, and a lot has changed.  I transferred from my shitty old organization.  The new place is decent.  Low requirements, low reward.  But low reward is the standard for Kentucky state government, so this is actually a step up.  COVID means I'm still working from home.  That's something I never thought I'd see, even though I work in IT.  Something like this had to force Kentucky to allow IT employees to work from home.  Funny.  No idea when or if we're ever going back in the office.  At one time I thought we'd probably be back by now.  Now I'm thinking we won't be back this year, and maybe not next year.  I may be working from home when I retire around December 1, 2021. I've been making plans.  My passport is being renewed now.  I'm headed to Ecuador, probably in January, as an exploratory trip....

So it's now early June.  I have roughly 16 (maybe 17) months left working for Kentucky.  So you say, "Mystery person, is that all you think about?"  Why, yes, yes it is.  Mostly anyway.  I have went through my bills and income repeatedly.  I should be able to live on my retirement pension.  It won't be a grand retirement, with me jetsetting around the world or buying new cars (well, ever), but it'll pay the bills. My morale is as low as it can humanly go, I think, without contemplating suicide.  I have no desire for that.  I just want to be... "free."  Free to spend my day how I want, free to sleep late, free from people who are arrogant and stupid.  Arrogance I can handle.  Stupid, too.  It's when they're both that I have trouble. I actually love what I do (programming).  If I had a job I really enjoyed, and paid well, I could probably work many more years.  But I'd have to not deal with arrogant stupidheads,...

No, I don't have it, thankfully.  I am also lucky enough to be working from home.  Roughly one year and 8 months until I can leave the state, but who's counting.  Me.  That's who.  But working from home is making it more bearable.  Although I have found that I work tremendously harder when working from home, as there are very few distractions at home.  No doubt my shitty agency will pull me right back in as soon as they possibly can, as they're already monitoring us like crazy... Skype, working via VPN-only, e-mail must be sent in the morning ("morning check-in"), all e-mails, phone calls, and online meetings must be logged, and then a daily status report must be sent at the end of the day that includes all your accomplishments for that day.  It's annoying that they feel we must be monitored so heavily, but that's nothing compared to the fact that we were told we would be disciplined if we left the state!  Weird, eh?  I always thought my...

So I am eligible for retirement retirement in about two weeks.  Full retirement in 1 year, 8 months, assuming I grow my sick time balance a little.  But it's doubtful I could actually retire, as Kentucky state retirement is not that great.  Generally, it's not enough to live on.  And certainly not enough to travel or vacation on. On top of that, I find myself very unhappy at work, and just a little less unhappy at home.  What do you do to be happy?  If you are happy, you don't know the trick.  If you aren't, you don't know the trick.  It's going to be different for everyone.  So I guess I am just lost.

Man, I am so tired.  I am tired of my job.  Tired of my life.  Tired of my way of life.  But I don't know anything else.  My bone spurs hurt.  (Yes, mine are actually real.)  My bad knees hurt.  This is what you get at 50, folks.  At least some of us get it.  So how do you make your life better?  I was always about action.  Take action.  That's how you fix anything, right?  But I don't know what action to take.  And I am so tired. I did discover new music today.  I was just talking about "thoughts and prayers" online, and lo and behind, I ran across a song by  Drive By Truckers .

A lot has changed since my last blog post.  I bought a house at the beach (a US beach, unfortunately).  I stepped down from a management role and back into programming.  I got full custody of my daughter, which is definitely better for both her and myself.  Not sure what else.  Probably more, but those are the highlights.  I guess if it were a woman's hair, it will be blonde instead of brown.  Those are pretty significant highlights.   I'm still on edge about my job.  I feel like I am in hostile territory.  Anyone who has taken a job they regretted and don't know their peers all that well probably understands what I mean.  But that's okay.  I have a significant career milestone coming up on April 1, and an even more significant one next year.  Next year, I should be eligible for retirement about October or November, depending on the amount of sick time I have banked.  So... and this feels weird to say, but my c...

Well, I had a thought today.  It had entered my mind that I might be depressed.  I'm not depressed.  To quote a character Christian Slater played in a movie, "Feeling fucked up in a fucked up situation is not fucked up." My wife and I haven't had sex in something like 7 years.  She doesn't like sex anymore, she said.  She spends too much money.  I can't save the money I need to achieve my goals.  My job is punishing.  My wife works all the time, and we spend most of our free time together, but now that her schedule doesn't allow it, I'm lost.  I have no close friends to hang out with in my free time.  All my friends have left my life, one way or another.  I am alone now.  I'm more or less okay with that, but friends would probably help. But I am focused now.  I am in the process of spending $25k to buy the 5th year towards my pension.  Five years is all you can buy, and I've already bought four.  That leaves ...